Ce's Blog

Ok, so here's the thing... I know that I am the absolute worst at cancelling lunch dates. But that is because I am so busy at work sometimes and also because last minute meetings come up. However, I always make sure to inform my lunch date well in advance as much as I can. The least amount of time was probably a few hours prior. Which is still not too bad because it gives the other person time to figure out their lunch plans and their schedule.

I'm sitting here waiting for my lunch date. I left at the exact time we agreed upon, and messaged her when I left work and also when I got to her work building as I said I would. I waited for 7 minutes and then got a phone call from her letting me know that she has to finish something that needs to be done by 3:30pm today (it was 12:45pm), and that she will probably be 10-15 minutes. She also said I should go ahead without her to the food court and start eating.

Okay... Why did I leave work while I have a million things to do so that I can eat lunch by myself 2 blocks away from work?! I get that things come up.. But it literally took me 5 minutes to walk here. Why didn't she just email me back to let me know she would be a little late? Surely she would have known a few minutes ago that she wouldn't be able to meet on time. I could have made a few more phone calls, get a few more things done before I left. Instead, I am sitting here waiting for her and wasting time. Although, I must admit this is a nice break.. It's just that I really don't have time for breaks! ARGH!! Hunger pangs...

After a few hectic weeks, and especially the family emergencies that have arisen over the past few days, I am so relieved to get away from the city for the weekend to cottage country in Parry Sound. We left this morning at 7:15am and arrived around 10:15am, as we stopped off for breakfast on the way. The girls read trashy magazines while the boys went into town to buy groceries, drinks and lunch. It was a cool morning, but warmed up in the afternoon. Lounging on the dock was amazing, and eventually the ladies fell asleep. I awoke to an amazing sunset and to the guys cooking dinner over the campfire. Unfortunately the mosquitos are starting to come out now. Off to a delicious dinner and then to a campfire that will last till the wee hours of tomorrow morning. Thank you Lord for such a blessed weekend.

My view from the deck. So beautiful.

I am in a very veRY BAD MOOD. I blame it on the fact that I am super tired (had to be at work at 8am this morning and didn't leave until almost 6pm) and stressed out (two exams coming up... one on Saturday and one on Monday). I also blame it on the fact that I am just in a horrible mood. Damn.. sometimes I just need to let it out. On my way home today I was so annoyed because there was a group of girls on the subway who were talking super loud. Yes, I realize that my friends and I used to be those girls at one point, but I really don't care. During rush hour, NO ONE should be talking on the subway AT ALL. And yes, I realize that I was on the subway towards the end of rushhour, but I don't give a rat's you-know-what because after being awake for 12 hours by then and working for 10 of those hours, I just wanted silence.

So I tried a technique from the Power of Now. I tried to clear my mind. I focused on one thing in the subway, and tried to clear my mind. It worked for all of TWO seconds and then all hell broke loose in my head again.

Should I work on that report when I get home so that I won't have to worry about it when I get to work tomorrow? What should I cook for dinner tonight? Do we have lemons for the fish? What do I need to go over for Saturday's exam? Crap... I still have that one chapter left to read. What am I gonna wear tomorrow for the meeting? Seriously need to tidy up the condo. How's the barbeque going to turn out on Thursday night? What time will I get home.. I'm gonna be so tired on Friday. I'm NOT looking forward to the end of this week... the two exams. Should I just say screw it and bomb the exams? I am SO not in the mood to study. Is Chris gonna play volleyball tonight? I so don't want to be home alone tonight. Why am I so annoyed at P? Should I walk home along the side street or not? If one more of those construction workers try to talk to me, I'm going to frikkin lose it on him. Why should I avoid taking the short way home because I don't want to see those mofos? I hate everyone.

Just a few of the many (stupid) thoughts swimming in my head on my way home. No wonder I felt as though I couldn't breathe. Sometimes I wish I could just open the top of my head and pull out all of my thoughts... that would be a sure way to clear my head.

The stupid-looking couple blocking my way on the sidewalk didn't help my mood either. I frikkin hate it when girls act so stupid and helpless. This guy and girl were walking across Finch Ave. It is a busy intersection. A TTC bus was waiting for these losers to cross the street. She is walking as if she has no legs of her own.. so frikking limp and sh*t, and he was hugging her from behind and walking behind her. Then, when they finally get to the other side of the street, they just frikkin STAND there. You dimwits. MOVE! I gave them BOTH the dirtiest look and the girl finally stood up on her own two feet so the guy didn't have to carry her sorry ass. I really hate it when girls act all helpless and sh*t so that the guy they're with will think they're cute. Get over yourself. You're making girls/women seem so helpless. No sorry, only YOU look so helpless and stupid.

I'm in a real bad mood. HEAR ME ROAR.

Molly went to the spa today for grooming. Poor thing... She is absolutely miserable. They shaved her too much, which is my fault because I forgot to ask them to keep her hair about an inch long. I also asked them to cut her ears shorter because they would always dip into her water bowl. She looks so asian now with her short ears! Looks like an asian haircut! Reminds me of the haircuts my mom used to give me as a child.. Except Molly's cut is straight!

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As Molly was getting groomed and pampered, I decided to treat myself too. I headed over to Breezy Nails for  a mani-pedi. I don't like the thought of paying to get my nails done, but dammit, I deserve it. I cleaned the condo this morning from 7:30-10:45am, and then felt too lazy to do my nails myself. So why not? And yes, I did absolutely need to get my nails done because this weekend is full of parties and events!

There are a few things I observed while I was getting pampered. First, everyone in the salon is Asian and only speaks Vietnamese. I felt like I was Elaine Bennett in an episode of Seinfeld. Except I could tell they were not talking about me; you can always tell by where they are looking when they're speaking in their own language, and also the tone of their voice. Second, when a guy came in the salon to pick up something from the lady doing my nails, the mood in the salon instantly changed. It's as if the ladies got re-energized the very moment he poked his head through the door. And, the instant charge in the atmosphere lasted for about 10 minutes after he had already left. I felt like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. Hilarious.

Overall, I had a great experience. I really don't like talking when I'm getting pampered. Luckily, the lady who worked on my nails also enjoys minimal talking. But not in an aloof way. We chatted for a bit; just enough that it wasn't annoying. I know she moved to Canada from Vietnam about a year ago. She works everyday from 10:00am - 7:30pm (Monday-Sunday!). She lives fairly close by; the commute is not bad, except in the winter when it is cold. And, I'm assuming it was her boyfriend who had visited today.

Highlight comment of the day: You don't look like you're older than 25. (Note to self: let people think you are younger than your actual age. What they don't really know won't really hurt them.) 

Low self-esteem comment of the day: Yes, I can tell you work a lot because of your eyes. They look tired. (Note to self: need to buy eye brighter/de-puffer cream.) 

There she was, sitting on the subway, heading home after a long, hard day at work. She was a Chinese girl who looked like she was living in the 1970s in Shanghai. She had medium-length, straight hair, wavy at the ends from an old perm. Her bangs were combed over very high to the right. She was wearing a crew neck cotton shirt with a beige wool sweater over it. Her tan-coloured skirt was long with a flowery print. Her shoes were black running shoes, complete with white knee high nylons. The tops of the nylons were revealed, as her skirt rested above her knees, as she sat there, on the crowded subway.

Her blackberry gave away the fact that she was not living in Shanghai in the 1970s, but was living in Toronto in 2009. She fiddled with her blackberry for 5 minutes, checking for any last minute emails that may have come up while she walked to the subway from work. Nothing urgent. She puts away her blackberry; only to be looked at again first thing in the morning tomorrow. She pulls out the strategy report that she started reading before she left work. So boring. She dutifully reads through the report, oblivious to the world around her. She does not notice the 4 young girls who stand in front of her chatting away about the boys on the other end of the subway car. She does not notice the young couple who cannot keep their hands off each other. She does not notice the cute, bemused guy standing by the door, smirking at the young couple.

She suddenly feels her eyes begin to glaze over. So tired. Can't keep them open. She slowly allows her eyes to close. She is awakend by an older gentleman. Good, finally almost home. She gets up and heads up the escalators. Home awaits. 

At Elle's. Hot pot tonight. WoooHooOoO! Testing the moblogging! Loving it!

The other day I had an AHA! moment. I'm not the same person I used to be a few years ago. I don't lead the same life that I used to have anymore. A lot of my dreams have come true over the last few years. But I miss a lot of things that I don't have anymore. Why is it that sometimes when you get what you want, you yearn for what you used to have?

Things that I now have and that I have always wanted:

- married to my best friend

- my own home

- a dog (I don't necessarily know if I've always wanted a dog, but am super glad we got Molly)

- the beginning of my career: a job in the field I have been striving towards

- will be finishing my courses towards CHRP, which I have been working towards for 3 years

- doing whatever I want whenever I want

Things that I used to have and now find myself missing:

- a strong sense of opinion and attitude - these days I feel so indifferent; so whatever

- long talks with my boyfriend on the phone before going to bed - now that we're married it feels as though as soon as our heads hit the pillow, we're completely zonked out - even though we do try to talk before we go to bed, and do try to have meaningful conversations.. they just last for 10 minutes now instead of 2-3 hours

- living down the street from my girlfriends - I miss being able to just call and meet for coffee whenever for hours at a time

- smoking - although I swear that I will never touch another cig for fear of becoming addicted forever - I've not had one for just over 3 years now... quit cold turkey

- my bedroom - my double closet which I didn't have to share with anyone

- Scarborough - oddly enough I do miss "ghetto Scarbz"

- living with my family

- having summers off to be able to go out and chill everyday at the Bluffs and Petticoat

I have everything that I've always wanted and have worked so hard for. Now I wish I had more. I wish the before and after could be my now. I need to find the balance. I need to find what it is that I'm looking for. I just wish I knew what it was.

"Even if you don't feel like it, get up, get dressed and go out."

June was a hectic month. Every weekend was full of events. A stagette, a Jack n' Jill, 3 weddings, dinners. Nuts. Did I mention that I am taking my last 2 HR courses at the same time? Work has been super busy, with some changes introduced in June, which has been an administrative nightmare.

But, I'm plowing along.. with major headaches and stomach upsets, which I have blamed on stress.

Last night my parents threw a big dinner party at their place because some of my dad's family was visitng from Mauritius. I really did not want to go and wanted to cancel because a) I was super tired from the night before, where I threw a dinner party for my girlfriends, b) I had a splitting headache and felt as though my pounding head was going to explode, c) I had to study for my midterm which is today. But, I know this meant a lot to my dad, so I sucked it up, psyched myself up (this really works), got dressed, did my hair and makeup and went. I am so happy that I picked myself up and attended the party, because I had a super enjoyable night, with extended family whom I've never met before. They are really nice people, many of whom either live or work in the same area as Chris and I. Surprisingly we've never bumped into each other, or maybe we have but didn't know it.

The moral of the story: don't cancel. Just go to the event and make sure you have a great time.

One word of advice: when you're tired and feeling blah but have an event to attend, blast the music when you're getting ready and allow yourself some time to dance. Trust me, it works. Reggae works best.

Finally, one more quote of the day I would like to mention: Don't take yourself too seriously. No one else does. I really need to keep reminding myself of this one.

Chris and I went to Pho 88 for dinner tonight because it was absolutely miserable outside and we wanted some delicious warm soup. Not to mention that I worked late and Chris was stuck in traffic for over one hour, and we felt too exhausted to cook. We were almost done dinner, when Chris asked me if I had seen the couple who was sitting in the booth behind us. I said yes. Apparently, the guy went to the washroom and Chris walked in after him. The guy was taking so long at the 1 urinal that the restaurant had because he was on the phone having a conversation with what sounded like his accountant or financial advisor. Chris was so annoyed.

After listening to Chris express his annoyance (he barely ever gets annoyed), I sat there quietly pondering for a moment. Finally, I looked up and said, 'So he was just hanging out?!'

Ok, I know that hate is such a strong word. But I am so in dislike with studying right now that I just want to scream in utter frustration. I know that there is an end to this mean. I know that after 3 years of studying parttime (minus 1 year off due to wedding planning) while working fulltime, that I am so close to achieving my goal. I know that after this course I have only 2 more left. But damn... sometimes it feels as though I have been studying my ENTIRE life. Which is close to the truth, minus 1.5 years after I graduated and received my undergrad degree, and minus the 1 year I took off to plan my wedding.

Sometimes I wish I could just give it all up and say, 'Hey.. I tried. It's taking too long and it's not worth it.' Except that deep down I do belive that this is worth it. I do believe that my undergrad is not enough to get me where I want to be career-wise. Sometimes I wish I could just say, 'Screw it. I can accept getting a low-B in this course.' Except that deep down this is the first time I've gotten ALL A's (grade 7 doesn't count), and I really want to keep my 4.0 at the end of it all.

I know that it will be worth it in the end. Everything inside of me tells me that I am doing the right thing. That I am being my ambitious self.. sacrificing what I really want to do right now, to get to where I really want to be in the future. But damn.. it's been a long, long, (sometimes boring) road.

Yes, I am grateful that I can afford the luxury of learning more. Yes, I am bored out of my mind right now, knowing that I have another 2 chapters to read for the week plus exercises to work on.

Yes, I am frustrated that I am stuck at home on a Sunday afternoon studying my brains out, when all I really want to do is absolutely nothing. To make matters worse, my whole entire body is aching from the Powerflex Yoga class Elle and I went to yesterday. And just like that the urge to scream is back: AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!