Ok so here I am, almost 4 months later from my last blog entry. Things have changed; most for the better depending on which way you look at it. For the first time in 4 years, I am unemployed. It feels really weird. I have had friends over the years who have been temporarily unemployed. I now know that you really cannot empathize unless you are in the same position. As cliche as it may sounds, being unemployed really does make you feel like a social outcast. You are at home all day while the rest of the world is out making money and contributing to society and to the economy. Mind you, my unemployment was a result of the company moving back to its roots in the US... but even though I know I could not have done anything different to prevent this, it still feels like a slap in the face.
Cleaning out my desk made me feel a mix of emotions. Mainly bittersweet. On the one hand I realized that this is going to be the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Hopefully one that will get me one step ahead of where I really want to be. On the other hand, I have made so many friends at work over the years. Knowing that I will never work with the exact same group of people ever again made me really sad. Saying goodbye to those who started with me 4 years ago was the hardest. These were the people I considered my friends at work. These were the people who went through the same things I did at work over the past 4 years. Even though we all moved on to different departments and positions over the years, and even though we did not meet up for every break and for lunch everyday like we used to in that first year with the company, the bond was still very strong.
I also realized something very important: you should never be too busy to make time for people and for yourself. For the past 2 years, I barely took a proper lunch break, and I never took any breaks during the day. I would be too busy to meet up with friends for lunch; often limiting lunch to half an hour if I did go out. Going through my work files and realizing that there was nothing I needed to take with me, I threw everything in the recycle bin. Yep, everything. All the hard work, all of the sweat and tears were be thrown out in a matter of minutes. And in that instant I had an 'AHA!' moment. 'AHA! You took this job WAY too seriously!', 'AHA! In the end, none of the hard work meant anything!', 'AHA! I will never, ever compromise my own well-being for a job that nobody cares about!'
And so I sit here, waiting for the relief to hit me. Relief knowing that I don't have to walk back in there and work on the backlog of work. Relief knowing that I am now responsible for myself only and no one else. Relief knowing that the ship has sunk.. and that I no longer need to try to prove that it is still worth saving. Relief knowing that I am finally free from a place that I loved so much and also a place that I loved to hate. It was never about the work, but it was always about the people. And those that have had a real impact on me and those that I really care about and respect will always be in my life; those are the ones I will keep in touch with. They are the one great thing I will take away from the company.
And just when I thought the future looked bleak, my husband pointed out my horoscope from the latest Elle Canada magazine that could not have come at a better time:
SCORPIO
You stepped into the limelight around 1999 (after having worked hard since 1994). by 2003/2004, you had a strong sense of yourself: what you could do and no longer wanted to do. You're still in a strong position to go after what you want and demand that the universe deliver it to you! You're extremely busy this year; short trips, new acquaintances, wheeling and dealing, negotiations and increased studying, reading and writing, as well as a stronger focus on family, are just some of the things that will keep you on the run. But your optimism is strong: You believe in yourself and your future. Your biggest challenge is to learn how to fit others into your life without losing your own identity and integrity. This is no easy feat! You're serious about your long-term goals. Get involved in group athletic activities this summer so that you'll be pumped by the time your birthday arrives. In December, cash will be flowing in both directions - you'll be working hard to earn it as fast as you spend it. (You like your treats.)
Mantra "My external limitations are self-imposed. I'm in charge of my life!"
I have never read something that mirrored my life so much as this blurb of a horoscope. And just like that, I was back.. I am ready and rearing to go.
In grade 8 I learned what I did NOT want in a best friend. I did not want to have friends who were compulsive liars. Those were the exact words I used too. After I left grade 8, I vowed that the friends I made in high school would NOT be compulsive liars. Those would not be the types of relationships I would want.
In grade 9 I met up with some old friends whom I hadn't seen in a while. I reunited with someone I had known since kindergarden, and we became very close friends. I considered her to be my best friend. In grade 10 I learned what it was like to lose your best friend. It was horrible. I was scarred. Did I really lose a best friend because she thought that we had nothing in common anymore? Isn't that kind of premature as a friend? Just because you don't necessarily have EVERYTHING in common, does that mean you just stop caring about someone and can no longer call them your friend? No wonder I held a grudge for more that 10 years?
In grade 10, I had what I considered to be my first 'real' best friend. We shared everything... our feelings, our excitements, our boy stories, our hopes and dreams... we would even write in our own secret notebook to one another with our most intimate, secretive thoughts. Sounds like love..?!.. it was... in a girly, platonic way. We were like sisters. She called my parents mom and dad. I felt such pure thoughts of nothing but happiness for her. I would do anything for her and she would always have my back in return. In grade 12, that bond ended because of a boy. Rumours spread, and let's just say that this rumor was something I had shared ONLY with my best friend. Who then shared it with her boyfriend. Who then shared it with his friend. Who then shared it with his friend. Who then shared it with others who went to high school with my boyfriend. Who then shared it with me. Who then got really mad at my best friend because obviously she had started this (true) rumour. And that was the end of that. That grudge lasted for over 5 years.
After that I had many 'best friends'. But I shyed away from calling any one person my best friend. Except for my twin sister and my boyfriend.. who had always been my best friend even before he was my boyfriend. But having a girl best friend was different. It was a bond between two girls. It was being your true self with this other girl.
What I have learned over the years is that it's not necessary to have one person labelled as your best friend. Why limit yourself? There are so many reasons why a girl should have many best friends. Every person brings something to the table. And heck, don't limit yourself to girls... guy best friends are definately interesting too. But, I wanted to write about girl best friends tonight because I am intrigued. Girls talk about how 'complicated' their relationships are with their boyfriends. Luckily for me, I've never really had this problem. For myself, I have always felt I had more complicated relationships with girls. I've never been through a real break-up with a guy. I feel like I've had several breakups with my girl friends. Don't get me wrong.. I'm not one of those girls that allow themselves to believe 'I just don't get a long with other girls'. I think this is a bunch of crap. For those girls out there who believe that, it's not the other girls, it's YOU. In my experience, those are the girls who also believe that everyone is 'jealous' of them.
In retrospect, I think back and remember how I was the type of person who lived for her girl friendships. I would do everything with the girls. My life was my friends... I remember this one day when my girlfriends were over. They came over a lot... our home was the place to hang out for a long time. That particular day, my dad told my sister and I that we were lucky to have such great friends. That we should enjoy it while we can. At the time, I didn't understand why we wouldn't be able to enjoy it later on. My dad explained that as people get older, they get married, they have careers, they move away.. chances are we would never be this close ever again. I disagreed with my whole heart with my dad that day. 'Not us...', I said, 'I don't believe it necessarily has to be that way, and so I won't let it'. As I should have known, my father is always right. Everyone grows up. Life happens. People get married. People move away. You don't talk on the phone everyday anymore. Heck, you don't even see each other everyday as you used to when you were in high school. It's different.
But it's a good different. Because everytime you get together, you pick up right where you left off. So what if you need to have an invite posted into your Outlook calendar for a ladies' night. At least the effort is there. At least you still have as much to talk about now as you did then. Maybe even more now. Conversations are so much more mature now than they were 10 years ago. The financial situation is also so much better now than 10 years ago... so going out and having a good time is doubled with the fact that you don't need to worry about running out of money as you did back then.
Leading separate lives also brings more to the table. You meet new people. You get to see how other people live.. how other people are. You tend to come out of your bubble and actually notice other people around you, as now you are open to meeting new people. Looking back, I was so unbelievably self-absorbed with myself and my friends that I barely paid attention to anyone else. A year or so ago, I ran into someone from high school at the gym. I hadn't seen him for a long time, and had assumed he had moved away. So I asked him where he had moved to. 'What do you mean? I graduated with you...' OOOOoOOps! Of course he did! Where the hell was I?
It gives you more time to notice your family. Was I really waa-ay too cool to be seen with my parents? I look at my parents now, and I think about how I really enjoy their company. My dad was always a big fan of the family sitting down at the kitchen table during dinner to talk and catch up about the day. Unfortunately, when you're constantly with your friends, that does not always happen. Over the past few years, dinner time became dinner HOURS. Just talk and talk and talk. Being so candid with one another.. I realized how my parents are my best friends. I can tell them everything, and they will always support me and care about me no matter what happens. Somewhere along the way I also realized that they were interesting people. Also very funny.. but then my dad has always had a great sense of humour and my mom doesn't always understand our endless sarcasm, which makes it even funnier.
Leading a life separate from your friends also allows you to be you. Have you ever noticed that friends dress, talk and ACT like each other?! Heck, they sometimes even get their periods at the same time! [Strange, but true facts.] Bursting the bubble has allowed me to notice things about well, myself. About things that I really like. Things that I really don't. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that being part of a group of girlfriends means you can't speak up. I always spoke up.. and my big mouth got me into a lot of trouble and unnecessary drama. But ... you can really learn things about yourself that you wouldn't necessarily take time to get to know if you were constantly surrounded by your friends.
One thing that I have realized in the past year or so. I love my friends. I still feel as close to most of them now as I felt before. I still share my deep thoughts with those select few. I still feel that strong bond with them. I still feel that urge to call up a girlfriend to hang out.. instead of chilling at Coffee Time to chain smoke for hours at a time, I now call them up for a nice dinner with a bottle of wine. No matter where you are in life or what you have going on... you need your girlfriends. Because they've got you.. just like you will always have them. In times of crises, they are the ones you turn to. Because they are your support system.
So the lesson of the day: girlfriend relationships can be just as complicated as those you share with boyfriends. No matter what, you must always make the effort to maintain these friendships. Even though it will never be the same, as you were once joined at the hips, we need to remember that it's a healthy part of life. If your girlfriend doesn't call you for a few weeks, don't think she's mad at you. Think instead that she is out there somewhere leading her fabulous life and that you are proud of her for that. Because as much as you may love to hang out 24/7... love means letting go too. Girlfriends will go out there and lead their own lives. And at the end of the day it doesn't matter if you talk everyday, text once in a while, have dinner once a month... when you get together, it will be as if nothing has ever changed. That's what true friendship is all about.
In the past week I have experienced that familiar feeling of restlessness. I cannot explain why exactly. I have a full, busy life filled with many people I love and am close to. I work full time. I take HR courses part time. I meet up with family. I meet up with friends. I have learned to cook. I try to sing, but according to my husband I am tone deaf. [Usually the urge to sing comes out during American Idol.] I realize that if Chris and I had a child, he/she would grow up to be a wonderful singer because he/she would have my beautiful voice with Chris' knack for tone. Yes ladies and gentlemen, my husband claims I am tone deaf and I believe him. But I digress.
The feeling of 'oh GAWD, I need to do SOMETHING' has brought out the repressed feeling of lust that has been forced into hiding due to something I'd like to call paying my mortgage.
Hence, the list begins of the things I have secretly [and am now openly] coveting:
I've decided to take up photography because I do not have a creative eye but love beautiful things. With training I believe I can build my creative eye and create my own beautiful thing.
This baby is exactly what I love. Gold, sexy and is able to do my every bidding as I command. Rogers Inc, I will NOT be buying this from you. I will be 'getting it off a truck' as STEPHANIE from Customer Relations has suggested in order for me to own this beaut. [Long story..too long to explain.]
That's right Ladies and Gents. This hot number comes in PINK! Perfect for a Valentine's Day gift. If you don't receive this as a gift... go ahead and buy it for yourself. Because you're WORTH IT!
Well, looks like I've got some saving to do. In the meantime, I will just admire from afar. And obsess from within. Damn... should've made this wishlist before my birthday and Christmas.
